When One Side Falls (Triangle: Part 3)

One late night, about a month after the text, I was talking to a friend about Triangle and how heartbroken I was. I was still seeing him, but much less frequently.

He explained that in these types of situations every “leg” of the triangle plays its part. I think that was the night Triangle fully earned his name.

After a couple of hours of rearranging my living room furniture, likely to distract me from my situation, we started to really have that talk. My friend took three DVD cases that were sitting on my coffee table. He stood them up in a triangular shape and set a fourth one on top.

He explained, “your relationship with him works because of what she provides to him. And their relationship works because of what you provide. If you remove either one of you from the situation,” he snatched one of the triangle legs and the entire structure collapsed, “everything fails.”

I really didn’t want to accept what my friend was saying. I just wanted Triangle to follow through on his promise and come be with me. I was under the misguided illusion that having him all the time would somehow make me feel better. In reality, I don’t think I would have ever trusted him. But I wasn’t ready to accept that.

It took a couple of months of sneaking in an hour or two here or there. He kept telling me that he just couldn’t leave his son. He told me that he knew it was horrible, but if it was just his daughters, he would have already completely been with me.

That didn’t make me feel better. It actually took away from whatever respect I still had for him. One thing I do not respect is a man (or woman) who can create a child and walk away as though it’s nothing. I’m sure we’ll discuss that at some point, but not today.

We were supposed to go out of town together on Valentine’s weekend. Not necessarily for the holiday, but it all lined up that way. Triangle was supposed to be going with an organization he was a part of, and I was going with an organization that I was a part of. But there, we could be in our own little bubble for several hours together and no one would be the wiser.

He cancelled Friday morning, half an hour before we were set to leave. I was crushed, once again. I ended up going with a friend anyway. I made the best of it. We rode our motorcycles and enjoyed the weekend. I have fond memories of the weekend, though they aren’t quite the memories I thought I’d have.

Triangle accepted a job overseas on a one year contract. That seemed absurd to me. You couldn’t move across town from your son, but you’ll relocate to an entirely different continent on the other side of the globe? There was a lot of clarification for me in his decision, even if it was hard to accept.

He was willing to leave his son. And his daughters. And even his girl. But, not for me. I also realized that even if he did leave that situation for me, I’d never fully respect him and I certainly wouldn’t trust him. I don’t want to live that way. Especially with someone I claim to love and who claims to love me. We were doomed before we ever started.

I stopped returning his texts and calls. It just didn’t seem to be worth it anymore. We ran into each other at an event one night and all of those unresolved feelings came flooding back in. We both had friends looking at us kind of funny because we weren’t even trying to hide the personal nature of our conversations. We hadn’t really talked much in public before that night among our social circles.

A week or two later he called me from the airport. I didn’t answer. He followed up with a long text about how much I meant to him and he was going to really miss me and I could come visit him and blah, blah, blah.

I was getting ready for work, but ended up going in late that day. I sat at the edge of my bed, feeling like I had just been suckerpunched, again. I felt like a yo-yo that he was playing with. He would bring me up, then throw me down, then put me in his pocket when it wasn’t convenient to play with me at all.

I realized I needed out, and only I could get me there. I started re-reading our texts. Thinking about every moment we spent together. I was incredibly emotional. All of the sudden, the tears stopped rolling down my cheeks and I stopped reading the messages. I deleted every single text we had ever sent each other.

I washed my face and headed to work. I decided at that moment that I would not give him any more of my energy. I didn’t take any more of his calls, not that he tried very hard. I had to dig deep and revisit a lot of my own ideas and beliefs. I had to forgive him – and myself – and let go of the pain and resentment. That did not happen in a single moment.