There’s a Queen in All of Us

Throughout my lifetime, I’ve witnessed women putting each other down constantly, in all circles. Every single race, economic status, religion, age group, marital status, or any other difference or divide you’d like to throw into the mix. I don’t even think that it’s always conscious.

I think we get caught up in this need to be something more than the next, to prove our worth so to speak. We hurt and betray each other. We compete with each other. For jobs, the attention of a lover, a friend, whoever, or whatever. And somewhere along the way we determine that we can elevate ourselves, or at least take the spotlight off of our perceived flaws, by shining it all on another woman. This is not always intentional.

We might talk about her mothering abilities or inabilities, the way she dresses, her sexual choices, her looks, her makeup, her hair, or whatever else. Ladies, why do we do this?

Please understand I am not standing on a soap box pretending that I have never done those things, even if it was usually subconscious, like I imagine is true for most of us. I called it “venting” to friends about someone who I perceived had wronged me in some way, or discussing someone we all had an issue with. I’m not perfect. I still catch myself doing this at times. I have to pause and do some self reflecting.

Whatever it is that we are saying or noticing about someone else is typically because of our own insecurities. I might scrutinize another woman’s mothering skills because I am insecure about my own. Or, I might talk about her looks or clothes, because I am insecure about my own. We are all guilty of this. We have all done this at least once.

It’s difficult to admit. Because when it’s laid out like that, it looks and sounds really ugly. We don’t want to perceive ourselves like that. Or our friends.

Let’s face it, none of us have all of the same friends we’ve made over time. Meaning, every single one of us has experienced the end of at least one friendship. That’s a part of life. We grow. We learn. And not everyone is meant to stay in our lives forever. Sometimes, the end of those friendships hurt. Bad. Sometimes, we just kind of drift apart to become more acquaintances than friends.

I’d like to challenge you to look at those women and friendships through a different lens. Remember the great memories you shared. There must be some since you called that woman a friend, right? Remember the lessons you learned. Remember the qualities you liked or admired in her. Then, it’s okay to recognize the ones you didn’t, because you won’t choose friends with those qualities in the future. Make sure you’re looking at her for who she is/was, not who you wanted or hoped or expected her to be. (Our expectations are what actually hurts us in most cases.)

Now, wish her well. And don’t talk about her anymore. Unless it’s to share or reminisce on something positive. There is no good that comes from speaking of or thinking about the negative parts of that experience. It’s okay to wish her well, from afar. That doesn’t mean you want to be friends again.

We all have our gifts and strengths. Instead of tearing each other down, let’s celebrate each other, and ourselves. We don’t have to dim our gifts to let others shine, and we don’t have to dim theirs to showcase our own.

I truly believe that if we all looked at ourselves with open eyes, for who we actually are, and we heal the parts of us that are hurt, we will stop hurting each other. I’m sure you’ve heard the quote, “hurt people hurt people.”

We can all make a huge difference in the world by looking within. Because every time one person does some of that self-work and those changes become evident, it inspires others around them to do the same. That reach can be endless. Let’s heal the trauma in the world, by healing the trauma in ourselves.

Ladies, speak up. Compliment each other. Give each other kudos. If you see someone with pretty eyes, tell her. If you see a mom put together an amazing craft or birthday party, compliment her. Let’s work to put our differences aside and focus on the thing that unites us all. We are all women. We are all human. We all have our strengths. Together, we are even stronger.

Positivity is just as contagious as negativity. Which one would you like to subscribe to?

To all of the women I’ve been friends with before: Thank you. Thank you for the memories we share, for the time in your life that you graciously gave to me, and for any and every lesson that you taught me – directly, or indirectly. If I had some sort of negative or toxic impact on you, I offer my deepest and sincerest apologies.

I can honestly say that I want to see us all do well and eat well, even if I’d rather us sit at different tables. I strive to be a better woman every day. If you see or hear something less than that come from me, kindly bring it to my attention, please. I realize I still have a lot of growing to do. I am walking through this journey of life one step at a time, and I’d love for you to join me in striving to make each day better – for me, for you, and for everyone else.