The Depths of Me

I found myself being upset that so-called friends and even family didn’t really know me. I mean the parts of me beyond the surface that anyone who paid attention for twenty minutes could figure out.

I realized that most of the people in my life had an idea of who I am as far as my basic characteristics and habits, but they didn’t really know the depths of me. Have you ever felt like that?

I began asking people who claimed they wanted a deeper connection with me (mostly men), “What do you actually know about me that someone couldn’t figure out by going through my Facebook page?” I asked that because I don’t really share a whole lot on my personal page.

I occasionally post things that I think are funny, or monumental moments, trips, and experiences that I want to be reminded of later. But I don’t post my innermost thoughts, struggles, dreams, goals, etc. It wouldn’t take long to figure out the basics.

I typically say that I’m an open book. And I am. I’m actually quite an over-sharer. However, the things that I typically overshare about or talk about (I’m definitely a talker), aren’t necessarily super deep things either.

For many years I was telling everyone I thought was a friend of mine my basic background story, which does include a lot of deeply personal things. However, I still wasn’t sharing the things that actually matter.

Beyond realizing what I chose to share and not share, I also noticed that not too many people actually paid attention to what I did share, unless they wanted to use it to get something from me or talk about me. I also noticed that hardly anyone actually asked me questions or tried to get to know more about me.

I mean the things like who I am at my core. My deepest insecurities. My most flamboyant dreams. The things that actually make me smile. The things that give me life. What I want more of. Who I want to be. What I actually think about important life things.

Looking around, I also realized that I was expecting people to be who they aren’t. Most of the people I involved myself with would party with me any time. I mean hang out, drink, etc. Surface level stuff. That’s more than okay, but I was expecting more out of our relationship than what was reasonable.

The few people who actually care about those things deep inside of me have a special place in my heart. It’s been inspiring, humbling, and amazing to have people that actually want to know me, more than what I can provide for them.

I learned that I used the term “friend” far too loosely and shared far too much of myself in situations that didn’t warrant that. Those casual relationships are great for casual conversations until there’s a reason to divulge more. I also don’t want to force my thoughts on anyone.

Sometimes I struggle with parts of who I am, such as my need to talk so much! I’m working on that. I’m also working on just allowing all my thoughts and feelings on a topic so that I can move on in peace. It seems that if I do that, I can let it go. When I fight it, it haunts me continuously.

It’s also interesting that very few have picked up on one detail. I actually don’t talk about or share the things that hurt me or scare me the most. At least not at first. Those few allow me to just be. They’ll just sit with me. Let me ramble on about nonsense. Or whatever I need in that moment.

I am definitely a walking conundrum and not everyone understands that. But not everyone is meant to. I just strive to be the same kind of a friend to those who come into my life that I am blessed to have.