The “C” Word

Just as I inevitably thought, I got it. The “C” word that has altered our entire world as we know it. I’m not going to rehash my entire experience or even go into the details of how I was physically impacted. I will share that I have no idea where I picked it up and was extremely cautious to not be around anyone once I exhibited some symptoms. Other than that, there will be no political type of conversation from me about it.

The worst couple of days I experienced are what I will discuss. Physically, I honestly wasn’t sure if I’d make it. You see things differently when you can’t breathe or function. (I later found out I had developed pneumonia, which intensified my experience.) I want to say that I’m being dramatic in that thought, but I don’t think I was. Hearing a recording of me talking during that time is really sad.

I laid in bed with some of the most random thoughts coming and going during the roughest couple of nights. I didn’t have the strength to even call for help, as I was barely even breathing and couldn’t physically move. I was in too much pain to sleep, though I was so exhausted I couldn’t stay awake. I just faded in and out every minute or so.

Some of my thoughts were super random. I woke up from a 90-second nap and panicked because I couldn’t remember my friend’s daughter’s name. She’s about eight or nine. And I have never met the child in my life. I have never even met my “friend.” In fact, she is probably not even an acquaintance. We have friends in common and spoke on the phone twice regarding business. But we are Facebook friends, which is how I know anything about her daughter.

I remember thinking it was stupid for me to transfixed on this little girl’s name. I didn’t even know why I felt the need to know it. The only thing I can think of is maybe I saw it pop up on Facebook earlier that day when I was responding to a message from a close friend.

I really wasn’t on social media for a few weeks. Never opened my emails. My computer stayed off. My phone was on silent so that if I did manage to fall asleep I wouldn’t be woken up by any random alerts or messages. I responded to missed calls and texts from my mom, my son, and a couple of really close friends who checked on me daily. Other than that, I just didn’t have the bandwidth.

I did manage to think about not being prepared to pass on because I didn’t have my “death folder” together. I’ve been talking about it for years. I’ve expressed to a few people what I want done when I pass. But I never put all of the information together that they’d need to make it happen. My boys would probably miss out on a few things because no one knows how to find all of this information.

I didn’t have the strength or mental capacity to do it at that time. (I have started it and listed all of the accounts and pertinent information since then, though I still need to finish it.) I realized I was a hypocrite because I have strongly advised friends and families to do this.

Another recurring thought I had is what would I have done in that same situation 15 to 20 years ago when my boys were younger and I had no help. Back then I didn’t have friends or even talk to anyone outside of my mom and my mother-in-law. Neither of them would have been able to come help.

My heart ached for the young parents dealing with this, especially single parents who have little or no help. I also realized that we all have more help than we realize. It’s incredibly humbling to have to ask for help.

I am a proud and incredibly stubbornly independent person. Asking my son to help me every day was excruciating. I know he didn’t mind, but that wasn’t the point. I actually gave it to him, though he thankfully didn’t have it bad. His mild symptoms came and went in less than 12 hours.

The most profound experience for me, though, was seeing how truly cared for I am. How much my presence on this earth impacts others, even a few people who I didn’t think really cared that much. I received daily check-in messages, a few surprise drop-offs with supplies, and more love than I can even express. Letting that love in was humbling.

I really hope that everyone in my life knows how much I appreciate them, both those I’m close to and those I hardly interact with. If we’ve crossed paths in any way, such as you reading this right now, I am incredibly grateful for you.

I believe we’d all be better off if we are kind to each other, because you truly don’t know what anyone else is going through. Sometimes a simple “How are you?” or smile can make someone realize their presence here matters. You matter to me.