Severe Lapse of Judgement (SLJ): Part Two

When I started this Ramblings page, I made a promise to myself (and to you) that I would be completely transparent and honest about any and everything, as long as it wouldn’t jeopardize someone’s identity, freedom, lifestyle, etc.

This story leads me to *almost* regret that (and I don’t really believe in regrets). I suppose I still struggle to wrap my head around some of the things that took place over the four months I was actively dealing with SLJ. 

One night, while I was out driving rideshare, he messaged me asking where I was. It was sort of odd since his communication wasn’t consistent at that time. However, he shared that he wanted to ask me to pick up some pie for him if I was near his (mother’s) house.

I was on their side of town, so I went to the store and got the two pies he requested. When I arrived with the pie, he wasn’t even going to invite me in. I had to use the restroom, so he reluctantly let me in.

Then I had an attitude because I wanted some pie. Afterall, I stopped working at about two in the morning to bring him some pie. I felt like I deserved a piece of pie, too.

It wasn’t even the pie. I felt stupid that I stopped working and brought it to him when I knew I needed money. (He definitely didn’t pay me back for the pie.) And I felt used. Like, I’m good enough to call for a favor but you won’t even share it with me?

He gave me a piece of pie in a tin with an old fork and walked me outside. I truthfully didn’t even want the pie, I wanted time with him. I wanted to feel wanted. 

Being stubborn, I stood on his porch forcing every last bite of that pie down my dry throat, all while texting him furiously. It was freezing that night, so I was shivering and breathing out plumes of smoke, just to prove a point. There was probably smoke coming out of my ears, too.

I told him I couldn’t take the tin and fork with me because I don’t like garbage in my car while I’m working. That was true. But not the whole truth.

After I finished the pie, I left the tin and fork on his doorstep and texted him to come get it. Then I drove to a gas station, fighting back tears.

Our mutual friend called me to check on me. Apparently SLJ called him and told him he should. I was so ashamed and embarrassed, relaying the story out loud to someone else. It was truly ridiculous.

I think I just wanted to feel wanted and loved. Everyone does, right? However, if this man didn’t even want me in the most basic of ways, how awful am I? Thoughts like that crossed my mind. He didn’t have his life together or anything to offer besides occasional physical interaction. Yet, even he didn’t seem to really want me unless I was giving him something. It was truly humbling.

Nearly everything that came out of his mouth was a lie. Not simple lies, but elaborate, over-the-top lies. I was embarrassed to be with him, yet I kept chasing the situation because I just needed him to want me. (Subconsciously.) 

He replied, “Oh, yeah, cuz you’re acting really adult-ish right now.”

The mutual friend still teases me about being adult-ish from time to time. (Now that I’m past that night and situation.) 

It was an eye-opening and humbling time for me. I couldn’t even deny the truth in the darkest corners of my mind. I was acting completely immature in that entire situation. 

Did I want a little bit of attention so bad that I was willing to forgo any and all logic, maturity, and even jeopardize my well-being? Sadly, the answer was yes. For a little while. Climbing out of that darkness cost me a lot of my pride.