Selfish or Self-Care?

I suppose some of y’all actually click the “read more” and read my blog (LOL)…because I got a special request from a friend to explore what selfishness looks like to me. Especially when discussing a relationship.

Honestly, I think the word selfish is highly overused. I think we throw that word around when others have boundaries that don’t suit our desires. I’m sure I’ve been guilty of this, as well. Think about it…what does selfish actually mean?

According to the dictionary, it means, “a person/action/or motive lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure.”

If that’s what that means, aren’t we all selfish? I don’t know a single person who isn’t concerned with their own profit or pleasure (usually both), and I know some amazing people. To me, being selfish is being completely self-absorbed to the point that you don’t consider or care who you hurt as long as you get what you want.

I believe that taking care of our own needs (and some of our desires), as long as it doesn’t cause harm to others, is imperative for our own mental and emotional health, as well as those around us. I’m sure you’ve heard the old saying, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.”

As far as relationships, especially the romantical kind, I believe there is a fine line between being selfish and practicing self-care sometimes. For example, going out with the girls (or the guys) for a night would typically fall under self-care. If your partner was incredibly ill or had something big going on, it could be considered selfish.

Perhaps it’s just wordplay on my end, but I do see a difference. I believe that our priority should be our own happiness, as long as it isn’t at the cost of others. I don’t mean be with someone who you don’t want to be with to make them happy. That’s toxic. I mean don’t use all the milk in your cereal if there’s a baby in the house who needs the milk for her bottle. (One of my uncles actually did that when I was a baby.)

I think we have grown accustomed to thinking that we should do for others first. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about giving back and helping others. However, I also know that it makes ME feel good to do so, so even that can be considered selfish. But with the thought about having to do for others FIRST, that’s wrong in my opinion.

Happiness is an internal job. If you’re looking for someone else to make you happy, you will always come up short. Others will, at some point, fail to meet your expectations. That is a roller coaster I do not desire to ride any longer.

On the other hand, if you do what you need to do to make you happy, such as pampering yourself occasionally or taking time to hike alone, and your partner does the same, you’ll both treasure each other and the time you get together even more. When two happy people come together, they can thoroughly and completely enjoy that time together.

That also doesn’t mean to avoid issues or sweep them under the rug. It’s extremely harmful to both partners and the relationship for one person to always just give in, compromise, or let it go in order to avoid conflict. That person will look up one day and not even recognize herself.

Instead, talk through the issues, especially the difficult and uncomfortable ones, so that both partners reach the same understanding. Problem solving is a part of healthy communication that is imperative to a healthy relationship in my opinion, especially a partnership.

There has been a huge shift of blaming and victim mentality in our culture, where we blame our issues on someone else. For example, I was molested as a child, raped as a teen, and had severe daddy issues. I got into extremely toxic relationships. It was NOT my fault that those things happened to me, however I can now take responsibility for how I see and show up in the world. 

I CHOSE to be in the relationships I was in as an adult. At the time, I did the best I could. Now, I have taken responsibility for my choices, which gives me my power back, and choose to treat myself better.

Now, I practice self care. I don’t look for anyone else to do things for me to make me happy. I decide what type of lifestyle I want to live, what I have to do to get it, and what I’m willing to accept to see it all come together.

The most important thing I can do for myself is to practice self-care, even though that might mean I’m being selfish according to your standards. When I take care of me first, I show up better for those around me. When I choose to show up for someone else first, I suffer inside. Then it shows because I’m not as present for the other person/place/thing.

For my friend who requested this topic…please let me know if I answered your question. For everyone else, what’s your opinion on selfish vs self-care?