Ready for Love…or Not (Detroit: Part 3)

I spoke to Detroit on and off over the years (in between his girlfriends from what I could tell). He started messaging me more frequently towards the end of 2020 sharing how he really wanted to move to Vegas and get out of Michigan. Of course there was more flirting and suggestive conversations between us. It had been a few years since we last saw each other and interacted.

Him and his friend (who had previously come out with him) planned a trip to Vegas for his friend’s birthday at the beginning of 2021. I asked both of them quite a few questions since I was voluntold to plan some activities for the birthday shenanigans.

Neither of them had very clear ideas, so I put together a few activities I thought they’d both enjoy and invited some other mutual friends (and new friends the guys didn’t know) to join us. There was plenty of leisure time included, as well.

I spent every night with Detroit in his room except one. It was kind of strange. He was giving mixed signals and I couldn’t figure out if he wanted to hang out with me or if I was getting in his way, so I backed off. I interacted and showed up when he asked, but ended up having more conversation with his friend in most cases. His friend shared that he was just in his head a little.

One night we went to a karaoke bar where your party has a small room all to yourself so you don’t have to sing in front of everyone. I invited quite a few of my friends and associates to help celebrate Detroit’s friend’s birthday. One of my friends brought another friend (who became a very close friend of mine).

It seems that Detroit was a little interested in her since he friend requested her and inboxed her after the fact. I didn’t know that at first, until a couple weeks later I saw him commenting on her status. Everything came out at the next girls night.

In the meantime, he was messaging me and talking to me pretty much every day. He asked me to help him look for a job in his field in Vegas and update his resume; I did. Though, I didn’t believe he was serious at first. Then he started lining up interviews.

I had a trip lined up to New Orleans that worked with his days off and plans to come to Vegas for job testing. He met me in NOLA, then we headed to Vegas together. It was nice to travel and hang out like that, especially since we were discussing what his moving to Vegas looked like for our relationship. He was planning on renting one of the bedrooms in my house.

I told him I thought we would be better off trying to have a committed relationship or just being friends with no physical involvement. He kept telling me things didn’t have to change. When I asked how he’d feel when I had another man come visit me and give me the business, he got quiet. His best friend later told me they had a similar conversation and the best friend told him not to play those games because I’d play them better and he’d be broken hearted.

A few things transpired in New Orleans that showed me we might have different ideas of what’s respectful or reasonable in certain interactions. One night there the group I was with was going to a live music event. He said he’d join because he had to shower after working out (which I told him would happen if he went to the gym and he said it wouldn’t). He never showed up. In fact, he got drunk on Bourbon Street, made new friends and wandered into the room after 3 in the morning after telling me he was on his way to where I was multiple times. I wasn’t happy about that.

The next morning I asked him about it. He was quiet. He just stared at me. It took me back to the days of having a toddler. I told him the conversation was difficult for me because I typically just let things slide rather than have uncomfortable conversations until things boil up and I’m done with a situation. I was trying something different. He said it shouldn’t be difficult.

I asked him about jumping into my friend’s inbox. He said he didn’t meet her through me. I told him that I saw that we had very different views of things. From his perspective, there was nothing wrong with him trying to talk to other girls he met through me and downplayed our relationship and interactions with her. I told him if he wanted to meet girls through me that was fine, but we wouldn’t have the personal interaction anymore. I felt played and used.

We flew to Vegas. He went for his testing. We hung out and interacted okay, though there was a lot of tension. Over the next few months he came out a few more times for different job testing and interviews. We continued to discuss how the move would impact our relationship. I told him we shouldn’t be physically involved until we figured it out.

I realized that we weren’t a good fit for each other after New Orleans. Our communication and expectations of what’s reasonable and respectful are very different. I told him that. Why complicate or ruin a relationship or friendship when I knew that we wouldn’t be able to problem-solve together. Him shutting down when I was trying to understand his viewpoint let me know that I would get frustrated. I don’t want to open the door for that.

He even brought his daughter with him on his last trip out here. I wasn’t feeling the greatest, so I didn’t get to do as much with her as I would have liked. We bonded a little though. I adore her. 

He was offered a position and just needed to submit some background paperwork and information, but suddenly he quit working on it. Then it came out that he had a new girlfriend in Michigan….which didn’t really last very long after all.

Sometimes I wonder “what’s wrong with me” that the guys I get involved with seem to like me and desire me enough, but aren’t willing to commit or try things with me. Then do with the next girl. Other times I realize the guys I’ve typically been interested in aren’t a great fit for me. My picker is broken or non-existent.

Most guys seem to only want a physical involvement, but not much more. Many of my male friends say that I intimidate a lot of men because of how I carry myself, I have my stuff together (for the most part), and my mouth. Either way, I realize I’m worth more than that.

So, the answer is: there is nothing wrong with me. (Or you, if you’ve ever had the same thought.) Everyone isn’t meant to be in my life like that. I’ve started to look at these situations and interactions differently. Detroit is cool enough, but we wouldn’t make a good fit.