Measuring Up

Sometimes it’s kind of interesting how different things look as an adult nearing “middle age” than they did when I was a teenager. I measured my worth according to how I thought the men in my life looked at me, from my father to all the others.

As a teen, I had two completely opposing views. One was that I was strong and worthy of everything I wanted. The other was that my worth depended on being wanted or claimed by a man, particularly men a little older than me. I was flattered and believed they wanted me because I was so mature. That side proved to be stronger (or weaker – if you’re judging).

In reality, they saw how naive and vulnerable I was. They didn’t actually value me. In fact, they only wanted to play with me and discard me. Let me set the scene for a traumatic experience I’m going to share today. (And this is your trigger warning – if you’re sensitive to certain things, please stop reading.)

I sold newspapers door-to-door for over a year when I was sixteen through seventeen. My job was downtown in a city about 45 minutes away from my home. I worked with people I would never cross paths with in my hometown or the town I went to school in.

During a breakup period with my first boyfriend I found myself flirting a little more than usual. I had a crush on one of my coworkers. However, he’s not the one this memory is about.

It was actually our manager. He’s the one who would drive the company van around and drop us off with a thick printout of names and addresses. He would drive around for a few hours checking on us, then picking us up at designated times and areas written on our address sheets.

Looking back, I’m not quite sure how I ended up with that job or how it was “safe” for a teenage girl to be walking around those neighborhoods at night alone. Keep in mind this was before cell phones. I barely had a pager, though I was sneaking that so my friends and boyfriend could contact me (when we were “together”).

One night my manager started flirting with me. We talked quite a bit and I was an open book. Over the course of a few days, maybe weeks, he opened up and confided in me that he always wondered how he “measured up to a black guy” sexually. I suppose he shared that with me because he was aware that my on and off boyfriend was black.

I didn’t know how to make such a comparison because I had only been with one person (willingly). Maybe this is a good place to mention he was 10 years older than me. And married. Don’t get me wrong, 10 years isn’t that big of a difference at this point in my life. But looking back, I’m comparing an underage teenage girl and a man close to 30 years old in an authority position. It definitely seems different now than it did then.

Then, I thought I was “special” because he noticed me in a certain way. I thought he saw me as mature. It never crossed my mind that he was taking advantage of me. I remember feeling strange about the situation, but I brushed it off to my inexperience.

One evening I noticed a time and set of cross streets handwritten on the second page of my addresses that was early in the evening. He picked me up and we drove to a remote location. He took me from behind in the back of the company van then took me to a fast food establishment to use their restroom to wash up.

I remember him touching me in a way I had never been touched, yet it was also so impersonal. It was extremely confusing. When he had finished, he asked me how he compared. Both in size and performance. I answered the best I could formulate. We repeated the scenario once more that week.

The following week he transferred me to another manager. He said some of my coworkers started questioning him because they noticed he treated me differently. I was under the impression we had something like a friendship before those two incidents, yet he hardly ever spoke to me after that. It actually seemed like he avoided me.

I felt so ashamed, dirty, and confused. For several reasons. I didn’t really have the capacity to actually sift through all the layers of wrongness at that point in my life. I had no one I could share that information with.

A few weeks later my ex and I made up. A few months later I left that job. I never shared that information with any of my friends or coworkers, and definitely not with my on and off boyfriend or parents.

Looking back, I see a few things. First, I want to hug my teenage self and explain to her that he had no business having those conversations with her, and older guys liking her wasn’t a testament to her maturity, but to their immaturity.

I do recognize my choice in the matter. For that, I have had to dig deep and sift through layers of programming, shame, misinformation, heartache, and more. I have forgiven myself. For the position I allowed myself to be in and for taking part. However, I do realize that he was wrong for several things as well. I do not take ownership for that.

There are a few things I’d love to share with my younger self. For example, your worth is not measured by anyone else liking you. If a situation doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. It’s okay to find a trusted adult to talk to and share with, but listen to what they say. They probably know better than you at that point.

For several years I didn’t see the situation for what it was. One day, it hit me. A grown man in an authority role took complete advantage of a situation. It didn’t matter how much I flirted. He was the adult, manager, mentor, etc.

Another thing I realized is that I’m allowed to flirt with no obligation to do anything else. I had to work through a lot of shame and embarrassment for situations I flirted myself into then felt obligated to do other things to get out of. It’s okay to flirt, and it’s okay to stop a situation and say “no” at any time.

I’m sharing this in the hopes that it may save another young lady from a similar situation. As I watch my friends’ daughters grow up and start having romantical relationships (and little girls of their own), I realize how imperative it is that we share the things we went through and openly give other ways of seeing things and doing things so hopefully they don’t repeat the same things we did.

Relationships aren’t supposed to define us. They are supposed to add value to our lives, not be our lives. I also don’t believe in putting more emphasis on one relationship over another at this point in my life. My friendships are just as important as my romantical and familial relationships. They all serve different purposes and make a better woman.

If you ever find yourself in a situation that doesn’t feel safe or with a person who isn’t respecting your personal space and boundaries, please get help. There are several resources available if you don’t have anyone in your life you can turn to. There is a national sexual assault hotline (1-800-656-4673), as well as local agencies.

Please know that you are worthy of love and respect and it’s okay to say “no”.