Me, Myself, and I

I try to follow a basic schedule or flow of my #Ramblings posts so that each section/topic gets roughly the same attention. But maybe I’m doing this wrong. Maybe I struggle to write on certain topics sometimes because there are other things on my mind and my heart.

So, I’m shaking it up a bit today.

This week has been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster for me, which doesn’t happen too often anymore. I mean, my life is basically the life I’ve dreamt about for years. I’m secure in my work, my goals, my lifestyle, my finances, my health, my relationships, etc. Sure there’s room for improvement, but isn’t that always the case?

A few days ago I was told my position with my two biggest clients would be phased out over the next six weeks. They are simplifying and restructuring some things in their businesses. I’m not surprised by most of the news, but I am shocked that my position is being phased out completely, especially so soon. I understand the business decision and I’m grateful for the offer that came with the news.

However, I also felt some big feelings about some of the things that were said and some of the things I put together through the conversation. Shocked. Fearful. Hurt. Angry. Panicked. All sorts of things. Maybe even a little relieved somewhere inside of me.

When I took on the role a couple of years ago it was supposed to be 20 hours a week max. It grew quickly. They realized I have a variety of skills, I’m flexible, and I was more than happy to take on anything they threw my way. More recently, there were several 80 hour weeks. I got so caught up in doing all the things for their businesses that I neglected my own stuff. (The second volume of The Rideshare Chronicles being among them.) Needless to say, I had no time to diversify my ongoing client list, which was the original plan.

I knew the position would only be for about 2-5 years. But I saw myself there for at least another 6-12 months. Recently I started to focus on building my business. My plan included a building phase, then giving them a 3-6 month notice so I could properly train my replacement. Either way, things have a way of working out.

I gave myself permission to feel whatever came my way. There might have been a few tears. I reached out to a few close friends and talked through a few things. Overall, I’m at peace with the knowledge that I’ll be ok, no matter what’s next. Things have a way of working out, so I’m not going to stress (too much) about the unknown. I’m sure there will be moments here and there, but for the most part I’ll be fine.

Something occurred to me a few hours ago that had me completely overcome with gratitude, joy, love, peace, etc. for the people in my life who truly love and support me. I know they do, not because they’ve said those words, but because they show me in how they consistently show up. One friend sat on a call with me for over two hours helping me strategize and plan some things for my business. The input and feedback he shared is priceless. Actually, there is a price tag on that kind of session, but he didn’t charge me.

Sometimes I get in my feelings thinking about things that I think I want in my life or I think I’m lacking in my life. But today I realized that for anything I don’t have, I have an abundance of other things that I wouldn’t trade for anything.

All of that led me back to myself. I heard a video the other day talking about choosing who to allow in your life based on the way they treat themselves. It finally clicked that the reason I’m in this position today – with several people who genuinely love and support me – is because I finally love and support me.

The way I’ve been showing up for myself opens the space for others to be there for me like that. In turn, I’m able to give the same love and support back to them. I ugly cried in the mirror for a few minutes and talked to myself out loud.

I thanked myself. For being who I am, showing up the way I do, loving the way I do, and for loving myself enough to be in a place of being able to receive these amazing gifts from people I care about.

Maybe I’m crazy. Or maybe I just had an amazing breakthrough. Either way, I’m taking it and running with it. This life can be amazing or agonizing, depending on how we choose to view things. I’m choosing gratitude and love. What about you?