Hey, Beautiful

Sometimes what we really think we want is right in front of us, but we aren’t ready to receive it. So, we send it packing.

I’ve been dealing with someone for a long time on and off, though we’ve never explored a committed relationship. Nor will we. We aren’t compatible in that way, and we’re both well aware of that.

I’m also cognizant of other women he deals with. And I’ve been exposed to how he deals with some of them. For example, saying things like “Hey, beautiful,” that he may say to others, but not me. That really hurt my feelings. Of course I want the person I’m intimate with to think I’m beautiful, and call me beautiful, even if we aren’t committed to each other.

This guy, we’ll call him Kryptonite, only called me beautiful once that I remembered when I was in my feelings about it. I was actually stewing on this, thinking about why we are dealing with each other if he doesn’t find me attractive, what do those women have that I don’t, etc. 

There’s a lot to unpack there. First, let’s acknowledge that comparing yourself to other people, or other people to other people, is not productive or healthy. I was attacking all of my own insecurities with that one.

Different people have different relationships. I have different relationships with different men, and different conversations, activities, or actions take place within those relationships that fit into the scenario.

Now that we’re clear that I’m conscious of all of these things, we’ll get back to the topic. I used the search function in my conversation history with Kryptonite one night when I had been in my feelings about all of that to find a message relative to some business we had going on.

Guess what? An old message from a few years prior popped up where he said, “Hey, beautiful.” 

Me: Did you mean to send that to someone else?

Him: Okay ugly.

Me: That’s definitely not what I am…and some other choice words.

He didn’t respond for a little while. Looking back, I don’t blame him. He tried to compliment me. Those words are the exact words I wanted to hear from him. And I held it against him that he “never” said those words to me, even though he actually had. More than once.

When you compliment someone, the last thing you want to do is have it turn into a huge uncomfortable conversation because of their own insecurities. So, in a way, I taught him not to compliment me. Who wants to deal with that kind of a response?

I then used him to make me feel worse, in my own head. His opinions – that I made up in my head – hurt. I villainized him to hurt myself. When I unpacked all of that, all I could do was laugh at myself. I was holding a grudge against him for years over something I caused and imagined.

He called me the day after I saw those messages and came to the realization I was the one standing in my own way of getting what I wanted. The scenario was actually relevant to a conversation we ended up having, so I shared it with him. He listened, and chuckled a little bit.

Basically, we aren’t always ready to receive what we think we want. I wonder what other thoughts, opinions, or “facts” I’ve made in my head and assigned to someone else over the years.

I wasn’t able to receive it because I didn’t believe it. At that time, his opinion about me meant more to me than my own. Therefore, I could punish myself over and over again by making him the villain in my head that he didn’t see me in the way I craved to be seen.

Are you standing in your own way of getting what you think you want? Are you really ready for what you want?