Having Grown Kids

Children don’t come with manuals. How many times have we all heard (and maybe even said) this? When I was blessed with my boys, I shared some insecurities with my mom. She told me it’s not a matter of *if* you screw them up, but how.

I was appalled; I think I stopped talking to her for a few days. I just knew that I would love them enough to NOT screw them up. Now, I don’t even think I can count the ways. I love them with everything that I have and am. But I have my own issues, and had so many more when they were younger.

As I have worked through things and healed, I shared more with them about the process, what I’ve learned about myself, and most of all set the best example that I’m able to for them. I hope they are able to learn from some of my mistakes instead of making them on their own.

A few years ago an associate of mine shared that the trick to older kids is to teach them almost everything they need to know to be successful adults, but leave out a few key things so they’ll always need you. I don’t subscribe to that thought process.

I want my adult children to thrive on their own and live full and happy lives; whatever that looks like for them. Of course I want to be a big part of their lives, but because they choose that; not because they need me. I’d rather my kids be able to stand on their own, because the truth is I won’t always be around.

I’ve seen a lot of adults shut down and unable to function when they lose someone. I believe I would be doing my kids and everyone around them a disservice to purposely withhold teaching them a key to adulthood just so they had to depend on me.

Please don’t misunderstand, we are all entitled to our own opinions and methods, that just doesn’t align with who I am or my thought process. I smile every time one of them calls me to share or ask my opinion about something they’re going through. To me, that says that they respect and trust my opinion and they trust me. That’s priceless to me. 

In some ways, I think the transition from teenager to adult has been the most difficult for me. I realized they would grow up and move out at some point, but I didn’t realize how full my life was simply because they were in it and depended on me. During their teen years I was incredibly motivated to earn enough and do the right thing to provide a certain foundation for them.

Once I was no longer responsible for their daily well-being, I had to find my own motivation. I had to find my own purpose. And fill my days with something just for me. It was an incredibly bizarre transition that took several years. Especially not seeing, talking with, or knowing what’s going on in their daily lives.

I think I’m finally on my own path of motivation, fulfillment, hobbies, etc. now, and the oldest is reminding me that he’s “almost 30.” To be fair, he just turned 27 a couple weeks ago, but he likes making me cringe. I told him I barely got used to having kids in their twenties, so can we just stay there for a minute? He laughed at me and reminded me that he is much closer to 30 than 20. I rolled my eyes. (It was all in good fun.)

I know I had a heavy hand in giving them some issues, but I also did my very best to show unconditional love, understanding, compassion, and teach them to be kind humans. My greatest hope is that my contribution overall has been more positive than negative and that the next generation (if it comes) will be even better.

I shared that my only hope for them at this point in life is that they build a life they love. That is success to me.

What’s the one nugget you want your children to take from you (if you have them)?