Happiness or Monogamy? (Part 1)

I recently decided I wanted to work towards being in a committed, monogamous relationship. I even thought I had a likely candidate. I thought I had been doing enough work on me that I would make a good partner, and that this particular gentleman had enough of the qualities I think I desire that we could do the damn thing.

As I discussed the possibility of this hypothetical, potential relationship with a close friend, and the trials and tribulations of getting to know the guy better, a question was posed to me. “What’s more important to you – happiness, or monogamy?”

There were reasons this question was asked. Many predate this particular situation. One reason was that I thought me and this gentleman had enough in common and that our history and friendship would make a solid foundation for a relationship. Then I found out that he had inboxed a girl he met one night while hanging out with some of my friends.

Anyway, the reasons the question was asked aren’t as important as how profound that question actually is. I do think it’s possible to have both. But what if you had to choose? What’s more important to you?

Don’t just respond. Seriously think about it. I responded with a quick, “both.” But as I seriously thought about that question, I realized that what was more important to me was to define what I actually value, and what my views are. Not what I was taught and just blindly accepted.

As I spent a weekend out of town with this man, I began to realize exactly what was more important to me. Actually, I realized what is most important to me in its entirety at this point in my life.

Happiness.

That’s right. I’m willing to forgo anyone and anything if it disturbs my inner peace and happiness. That includes letting go of the idea that I “should” be in a “relationship.” I mean, if someone comes along and we click in an incredible way, then maybe. But, what is the reason or benefit of that at this point in my life?

I have several relationships. Friendships. Family. Acquaintances. Business. Personal. I think we put so much emphasis on that “special romantic” relationship that we don’t even pay attention to how every connection we have IS a relationship!

For example, when someone asks if you’re “in a relationship,” they are typically inquiring about a committed, romantic situation. Why do we do that?

Many romantical relationships have infidelity. (Up to 70% of relationships according to some studies…and that’s just what’s admitted to or proven.) More than 50% of marriages end up in divorce. Think about how many people you know that have been divorced, at least once.

I have held onto the idea of a committed, monogamous situation being righteous and good since my childhood, because that’s what I was taught. But I get to make that decision now. (And looking back over those “successful” marriages I now see a lot of heartache, misery, abuse, sadness, etc.)

So, what do I believe about monogamy? Committed relationships? And all of that? I’m still figuring it out. But looking at where I am in life right now, being in my early forties, with two grown children and a daughter-in-law, supporting myself, and doing things I enjoy without the responsibility of having to think about or care for another person, I’m in a pretty good spot.

Is it selfish? Maybe. But until the right person who meshes with me and I mesh with him in a profound way comes along, or until someone can explain the benefit of a marriage or committed relationship to me that supersedes my current lifestyle, I’m good where I am.

I don’t believe I’m actually lacking anything at this point. Do I feel lonely? Sure, sometimes. But I’m not lonely. That’s just a passing feeling when I want a certain type of attention. (And believe me, it’s not really hard to come by.) 

Mostly, I’m fulfilled and enjoying every day. And in all honesty, I was way more lonely when I was in a marriage type of situation, or traditional “committed” relationship. (I’ve never legally been married…but that’s an entirely different conversation.)

So, to get back to the question. I definitely support happiness over monogamy. That’s not to say I condone telling someone you’re monogamous and sleeping with everyone else. I’ve never actually cheated on anyone. I do, however, believe that honesty is the best policy. If you don’t want monogamy, say that! But don’t be surprised if the other person pursues other situations as well.

I’ve also come to realize that when “cheating” is the reason people are unhappy or break up, it’s usually just the surface layer. Cheating is rarely the actual issue. There was more than likely several, deeper issues before that. Such as communication issues, dishonesty, lack of trust, insecurities, or even worse two people who are looking at someone else to “complete” them or make them happy. All of that is an inside job.

I’m not blaming either party, because each situation is different. However, we would all benefit from taking responsibility for our own choices and actions before looking at someone else in every situation and relationship. Again, that’s a completely different conversation.

I think the most successful relationships are when people know who they are, and interact with someone else who also knows who they are. Then those two people respect each other, communicate, and accept each other.

And while it may be unpopular, open marriages are typically more successful than traditional marriages. Why do you think that is?

My conclusion on this whole topic is that for now, I’d much rather be happy and single than force a “relationship” for the sake of saying I’m in one. I don’t recommend this choice for anyone else, though. I think it’s a personal choice and only you know what’s right for you.

Just to be clear, I’m not bashing traditional relationships, nor saying I’ll never be in one again. Just that for now, that’s not a priority to me. And that doesn’t make me wrong, bitter, broken, or any other insult men try to hurl at me because I’m single.

So, what’s more important to you? Happiness? Or monogamy?