Hair Talk (part 2)

I wrote about the struggles with losing my hair a few months ago. I also shared that I never liked my hair. It’s always been a weird color with a wavy/curly pattern and does it’s own thing no matter how much I try to tame it.

Ironically, losing it made me really appreciate it. I didn’t quite go bald per se, but did lose over 70% of it due to an extremely high fever when I had Covid last summer. Apparently it’s one of the common side effects a couple months after recovery.

I did joke with some friends that if I continued to lose it at the pace I was, that I was gifting myself at least one wig for Christmas and my birthday. Fortunately, it began growing in, so I waited it out. 

I cut it. Then I cut it again. Then I had something like a mullet for a few months. I know it’ll be somewhat awkward for a year or so, so I do the best with what I have at the moment. I wasn’t a fan of the mullet at all.

When I woke up I looked crazy. My thin hair was sticking out in every direction. I joked that I looked like a cross between Tommy’s mom and Angelica’s doll in Rugrats. I use humor to deal with the things that really sting or worry me.

Honestly, I was horrified. I was embarrassed. I didn’t feel feminine or pretty. No matter how I tried to style my hair, it just didn’t seem right. I felt dirty and less than. I had to talk myself through quite a bit during that time. I realize that my hair doesn’t actually make me who I am, but it’s been a part of my identity for so long that I just felt lost and helpless watching it come out, then awkwardly grow back.

In fact, I just cut it again last week. This is the shortest it’s been in about ten years. It’s definitely an adjustment, but I’m having fun with it and going with the flow.

Most people in my life thought I was being dramatic at first. I was seeing huge clumps of hair come out every time I washed it, combed it, or just randomly throughout the day. My vacuum was the only thing that understood just how bad it got.

A couple of months ago my mom’s hair began falling out. Unfortunately, she lost far more than I did. She was much sicker than me, and for much longer. She did buy a wig. It’s definitely an adjustment and she understands what I was going through on a much deeper level, though I wish she didn’t.

I went to visit last month and got to go to the wig store where she was getting hers adjusted. We decided to play with the wigs while we were waiting. I tried on different styles and colors to see if anything caught my eye. It was fun.

I still see pics of my hair from a year or so ago and miss that. More importantly, I appreciate it. I see how unique my hair is, and I love it. It’s growing back darker, which is okay. I’m just happy it’s growing back.

Right now the curls are super springy, though it’s still all over the place. It looks healthier right now than it has in almost a year. For that, I am extremely grateful.

When you see people balding, thinning, or listing their hair, try to be gentle. You don’t understand how that feels (hopefully) unless you’ve gone through it. I don’t wish these things on anyone. We all have little spots that we’re not as confident in and we all have less than ideal days. Being kind to one another is the most loving way to be human.