The Ghosts

Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like any time I really get comfortable being alone and decide to be celibate, or when I start talking to someone with some serious potential, all the ghosts pop back up.

The ghosts I’m referring to aren’t the transparent, floating kind, or even the kind who haunt you. Well, maybe they haunt me. Just from this side of the whole living thing.

Men I have dated, talked to, or even had casual flings with seem to always reappear, all together, when my life is headed in a different direction. I’m not necessarily in either of those mindframes at the moment, just thinking back over the past few years.

For example, when I thought Triangle and I were going to be together and really decided to devote my attention to him, before I even shared that with information with him, the ghosts floated back into my life in troves.

I received phone calls, DMs, text messages, or other communication from six different men in less than five hours on the day that I started thinking I might really be falling in love with Triangle. (If you haven’t been following the story, you can catch up on the Triangle story in the Romantical Escapades section of my Ramblings.)

 Each of those attempts at communication was completely unsolicited by me, at least consciously. Were they holding secret meetings to conspire against me? To test me? Was it just a joke? Was the new guy in on it? Did guys have a secret database to plan that sort of ambush?

I didn’t even bother to respond to four of them. I hadn’t talked to them in years. But how ironic is it that the moment I choose to move forward, these ghosts from my past pop back up to remind me of situations, feelings, and thoughts. (Most of these weren’t so great and definitely don’t warrant a repeat.)

In most cases, the situations never seemed that serious and I didn’t see the significance of the events, and certainly didn’t acknowledge any feelings. I thought the universe just had a cruel way of everyone wanting me all at once, or no one wanting me at all. I can go weeks, or even months, without a single advance. (Or maybe I’m just oblivious to them?)

More recently, I have gravitated toward another line of thought. Perhaps these ghosts reach out when I’m about to make a shift. Sort of like a test, but originating from within me. Even if I didn’t have a strong emotional (or even physical) tie to these individuals, they might represent something else to me based on the circumstances of my life when I was dealing with them.

There has to be some sort of explanation, right? I’m not the only one who goes through this, am I? I suppose we are drawn to each other the way the waves are pulled to the moon.

A couple of months ago I was struggling emotionally far more than usual. Someone I care a lot about had seemed to be ignoring me and I was heart-broken. I got very little sleep in between racing thoughts and uncontrollable tears. My thoughts drifted through a few encounters spanning nearly thirty years…

The next morning three of them messaged me out of the blue within an hour of each other. One was from over twenty-five years ago. All of them were from more than three years ago. That can’t be a coincidence, can it?

I am realizing that I might actually have a lot of unresolved issues that I once thought were resolved. Most of these issues aren’t really about the person, but about where I was in my life and what my perception was; of life, relationships, myself, him, us, or whatever.

Now, as these things arise, I plan to do my best to take stock of what was going on, how I handled the situations, and what I can do to avoid repeating the less favorable ones.

That pull is still out there, though. They all come at the same time…but the herd is thinning out. Perhaps because I haven’t been as open, or perhaps because I’ve been working through whatever it is that keeps attracting them. Maybe it’s both.

Either way, maybe one day I’ll be in the position to attract someone new without the baggage floating in with him.