Looking in a Mirror

(when your child is just like you)

For several generations, many mothers have put the curse on their children, “I hope you have a child just like you.” My mother never did that to me, or my brother. She said it was because my grandmother always told my father that and she had to deal with my brother. (I think it’s mostly a joke.)

Even without the words being spoken aloud, I ended up with one who is just like me in several ways. It took nearly his whole life for me to put that together. I think the first time I realized he had picked up some of my traits was when he was in high school.

My oldest son was always quiet. I used to worry that he might get bullied because he was passive and sensitive. He kept mostly to himself, though he typically had a tight-knit group of friends who shared similar interests as him – mostly video games.

I used to get so frustrated with him because he was a bit lazy. Any time he started to excel at something, he totally slacked off until he was just average again, then he maintained that position. That is not like me. I was always an overachiever. A friend pointed out that my son just didn’t like all that attention. He never wanted to be in the spotlight.

He did take a lot of abuse before he spoke up or stood up for himself. I didn’t realize all of that at the time, either. He did learn that behavior from me. I tend to hold it in and let it roll off my back until I get overwhelmed, then it’s a whole different story. When his fuse is lit, a whole different side of him comes out.

I am grateful that he took a couple of my less-than-desirable traits and embraced the opposite. Such as my habitual tendency to be late. I can’t stand it, but for whatever reason that has been one of my struggles throughout my entire life. (Again, I was born five weeks late, so maybe that should have been a clue.) My son, however, is nearly always early. He cannot stand being late.

Then there’s the incessant need to have the last word. I have recently been working on this aspect of myself and realizing that oftentimes, it’s so much more pleasant and peaceful to say, “Okay,” and keep it moving. I don’t need anyone else to see my side, validate me, or even hear me. My son hasn’t gotten there yet.

One of our biggest and most dramatic instances when he was in high school was because he wouldn’t just be quiet walk away. The boys were arguing and I had enough. I yelled at both of them to go to their rooms. My oldest son began to complain that I always take his brother’s side, blah, blah, blah. I told him I wasn’t taking anyone’s side, that they both needed to take a moment to gather themselves and I would be back to talk to both of them.

He wouldn’t let it go. He kept insisting that I listen to his side of the story in that moment. I was over it. That night is etched into my head as one of my greatest parenting failures. I lost it. It was bad. The guy I was seeing at the time stepped in and took me through the hallway by the boys’ rooms, the living room, my bedroom, and into my closet (the furthest point in the house away from the boys’ rooms) and told me to stand there and just breathe.

I was livid. As I started to calm down, I knew he was right to intervene. (I’m pretty sure I thanked him later.) I calmed myself down. It wasn’t even the point of them arguing anymore. I was furious because my son wouldn’t listen to me. All I wanted him to do was to stop talking and go to his room.

When I was cleaning the kitchen a couple of hours later, my oldest son made his way in to talk to me. He started with an apology for the way he talked to me and for not listening. He admitted to being disrespectful. He explained that he was so upset because he felt like I never listened to his side and just needed to get his thoughts across.

I apologized for losing my cool, as well. I explained that I had every intention of listening to whatever he wanted to tell me, just not at that moment. We talked through what happened between them, and what happened between us. We agreed that going forward, he would listen to me in the moment and I would always give him the opportunity to share whatever he wanted when everyone was in a calmer place.

We never had that issue again. However, it was an extremely emotional night for all of us. I realized that I was getting more furious than what was warranted because he was behaving just like me. I always wanted to be heard and get my point across. It took me a few more years after that night to be able to truly set a better example.

Don’t get me wrong, as the child, I do believe he needed to stand down and wait for an appropriate moment. However, how can I be upset or mad at my kid for exhibiting the poor behavior that I had set the example of?

More recently, I realized he talks like me, too. When I have something bothering me or I’m about to make a big decision (typically one that I know isn’t the most responsible choice), I talk through it with a couple of close friends. Typically repeatedly. Then I do whatever I wanted to do anyway.

My son did this for the past six months. He wanted to trade in his car (which he barely financed a year ago) for a much more expensive option, while  he was planning his wedding and waiting for his orders to come through (military). I told him I thought he should be patient and wait until everything was settled, and maybe do it next year after he could pay the first car down some more.

He talked in circles. He asked my opinion, then argued with me on it. Then he got mad when I wouldn’t give it anymore. Then repeated the whole conversation. I started asking him questions to try to get a better understanding of what his actual goal was. After his “need” for a new car changed several times depending on what car he was trying to buy, I determined it was simply that he wanted it.

We finally had a heart-to-heart and I told him it’s okay to simply say just because he wanted it. The non-stop repetitive conversation about the same thing, which made no sense financially, wore me down. I kept trying to be grateful for the fact that he was sharing with me, that he seemed to value my opinion, and for the opportunity to work on my patience. However, it was a lot to take on.

I thanked my friends who are usually on the other end of my conversations. I am grateful for their patience and listening ears. I vowed to try to do better by listening to my son. I also explained to him, in great detail, why I thought it was a bad idea. Then I shared that at the end of the day he is grown and he will deal with the consequences, whatever they may be. This served as another opportunity for us to understand each other better and strengthen our relationship.

At the end of the day, I am beyond proud of the young man he is today. He has served in the Army National Guard for six years, was a Corrections Officer for the state for more than three years, and is now an active duty U.S. Navy Petty Officer. He is honest, loyal, reliable, responsible, kind, giving, caring, respectful, and comfortable in his own skin. He doesn’t do anything he doesn’t want to do. And even if he makes a poor choice, he will stand behind his responsibilities and obligations. He is good to his wife, and he is good to me.

I hope I’ve been able to teach him half as much as I’ve learned from him. And I hope that it doesn’t take him nearly as long as it took me to learn certain things that will make life easier with the personality traits and habits he has.