Background to Shame

It seems like in most peoples’ worlds, their love escapades include pride and educational experiences, one by one. I’ve taken great shame in mine. From the choices I’ve made in the men I’ve dealt with, to my interactions, to my choices, and in many cases my acceptance.

I maintained this perception that I was a monogamous and righteous person, who wasn’t nearly as experienced as I perceived others my age to be. I’ve always thought that most people had so many more relationships than me, without ever doing any hard research.

I took comfort in the long relationships in my life that gave balance to the escapades in between. In recent years, I’ve developed a new perception. I’ve also found the ability to have discussions about these various escapades with a close friend.

In the beginning, our discussions were more of a battle. I defended my point of the nobility I maintained, along with pointing out repeatedly of how I’ve been a victim. I took great offense to certain terminology, words, and labels. Now, said words don’t even have an effect on me. I’m utilizing these experiences to learn and grow each day.

Through these discussions with my friend, I’ve picked up a few habits. Most important and relevant to this situation would be the habit of names. Due to his lack of retention, or even the desire to retain names, we have compromised on nicknaming my suitors/love interests based upon circumstances. 

FYI, I only gave into that compromise because I got tired of explaining who I was talking about after saying their names and coming to the same outcome. I would mention someone, and he would look at me, completely puzzled. I’d start to explain who I was referring to by mentioning certain situations or events with that person and he’d say, “oh, so-and-so.” (Insert his nickname for whoever I was talking about.)

With all of that being said, the names in my romantical escapades have not been changed to protect the innocent. These suitors are far from innocent, and I truly could care less about how they feel about my viewpoint and expression of them and our interactions. 

In all honesty, it took me nearly two years to accept the new, more fitting, names of these men. I took great offense to their made up names when they were in high favor with me. It took a couple of years before I actually laughed because of how fitting the names were. Some names even evolved with time.

I somehow thought these names were an attack on me, or belittled me. In all actuality, they were fitting to the situation. I saw many of these relationships as being much more than they were. I believed several stories from multiple men about their situations, their intentions, or whatever the case may be.

I victimized myself in those situations. I couldn’t handle the truth. I didn’t want to see the truth. I thought that taking part in these situations somehow made me less of a woman. Don’t get me wrong, some of the men I’ve dealt with have been cruel, some have been liars, some have been disrespectful. Me accepting my role in those situations doesn’t take anything away from their behavior or hold them any less responsible. Those are two completely separate issues.

I have come to terms with and accepted who I have been in many situations. I have had times of monogamy, and times of being promiscuous. I have been the wholesome housewife who was cheated on, and the “other” woman. I have been abstinent for periods of time and I have had a steady rotation of two to three partners during other times. I have been in committed, long-term relationships that spanned years, and I have had one-night stands. I understand that I am far more “experienced” than some, and far less than others.

I have also come to understand that judgement is a very real thing we humans hold onto, self included. I tend to judge myself far more harshly than I ever would someone else, but most of us do subscribe to some degree of judgement for others. I have been offended and hurt by what others had to say about me, my lifestyle, my choices, and my actions.

I have also found that those who tend to judge and say the most have demons haunting them that nothing I ever do or say could ever compare to. Some of my indiscretions were public in a particular peer group, and one woman had a whole lot to say about me. A woman who called herself my friend.

A mutual friend told me, “Don’t pay attention to that. Just because she has sneaky pu$$* doesn’t mean she isn’t doing the exact same thing. We all have skeletons in our closets. Your closet door is just open.” After thinking about it, it made sense. I was aware of quite a few of the other woman’s indiscretions as well, and she was no different from me, other than the fact that her dealings were less widely known and she was completely unsettled with her behavior. What is done in the dark has a way of coming to the light.

As women, we often put each other down, instead of uplifting one another. If we talk about that one enough and shame her enough, the negative attention and spotlight will be on her and her flaws, not ours. I don’t think we even realize that we do this. (More on this topic in the next Ramblings post.)

At one point and time I was full of shame. Shame for the relationships I had been in, shame for my behavior, shame for my choices, shame for damn near everything. And, now, while you’re reading this, if you’re judging me or ostracizing me, shame on you for judging me instead of relating, understanding, or learning from me. We should all come together. As women, especially in today’s climate, we need unity more than anything else.

While I’m still not proud of all of my decisions, I’m grateful for the lessons and some of the memories that came with those decisions. I accept that all of that is a part of who I am today, and I own it. I wouldn’t be the same woman without every single experience I’ve ever had.

I was truly bitter after several of my situations because I felt so wronged by these individuals. I couldn’t understand how they could do “that” to me. What did I do to deserve that? I was in victim mode.

I was agonizing over one of those situations once, regarding “Triangle,” and my friend asked what was wrong. I told him, “I don’t see how he could lie to me. How he could tell me he was falling in love with me and wanted to be with me. Why would he lead me on like that? He knew the whole time he wasn’t going to be with me.”

My friend asked how I knew that. I went on with all the reasons why that was a fact. He pointed something out to me that seemed inconceivable, then made more sense than anything else had in a very long time. He said, “maybe he did feel that way. Maybe those were his intentions. Maybe when he was with you, that’s all he wanted. But, maybe when he went home he realized that situation was where he needed to be. Maybe he felt the same way about her. Maybe it was the kids. Maybe it was his sense of responsibility to his family.”

Basically, at the end of the day, I’ll never know how he felt and what his intentions were. Only he could possibly know that. I don’t hold any animosity toward him, or any of the others, at this point in life. I wish them all well. From afar.

Just because I truly hope they find peace and happiness in this lifetime doesn’t mean I want to hold a conversation or revisit old times. It just means that I have found peace and understanding within myself about those situations. However, it also doesn’t excuse their behavior. Again, those are two very different things.

Please feel free to share any experiences you’ve had, good or bad. Or, ask any questions you’d like. As time goes on, I’ll definitely share more about some of my experiences. I think we can all learn from each other’s experiences, viewpoints, and situations. Even if we don’t agree, we can always respectfully agree to disagree.