The Truth Is…

The truth is, my health is not exactly where I’d like it to be. In fact, not even close. I’ve shared how I made some major lifestyle changes a few years ago that resulted in better health (and weight loss).

When I began the journey of blogging and openly sharing my life in this way, I made a deal with myself to be completely transparent with the hopes that it may help someone else along the way. To be totally honest, this one has been a bit tough to keep that promise, because I am carrying some shame and disappointment with myself.

I’ve gained about15 pounds in the last year, which isn’t a huge amount of weight. However, it’s the effects of the choices I’ve been making that caused the weight gain that are having the most profound effect on me.

When I made the changes in 2018, I was hyper-focused on being better to myself. My motivation was to feel better and be healthier so I could live a longer, more enjoyable life. I cut out meat, processed foods, simple carbs, etc. My body began healing itself from the inside out almost immediately. In less than a year, I had shed about 50 pounds and felt younger and better than I can remember feeling in all of my adult life.

During that time, my sole focus was on improving my health; physical, emotional, financial, etc. I was eating with a purpose, working sixty to seventy hours a week (every single day), and repairing and building my relationships with family members and friends. I wasn’t socializing much, but was more aware of the quality time I was spending with the people who are important to me.

Somewhere along the way, I started eating seafood occasionally. That was fine. I was making exceptions on some of my dietary choices for special occasions. That was okay too.

As I started to socialize again, I found that my food choices were limited most of the time because we live in a society where everything includes food. Lots of it. And very rarely are there many healthy options. However, I could have still chosen differently.

I picked up a few pounds. I was still doing well, overall, and the weight didn’t bother me. It wasn’t about the weight. It was about being able to get out of bed without being in severe pain. It was about altering the course of some health issues including kidney tumors, liver lesions, pre-diabetes, respiratory issues, circulatory issues, and more.

For nearly twenty years I have been convinced that I would die when I’m 45 years old. My father and grandmother both did – of the same thing. I have all the precursor health issues that they did. I have chronic migraines (which they can’t future out) and kidney issues, like they did. They both died of cancer originating in the kidneys and brain. I also realized, at 38 years old, that another seven years the way I was feeling wasn’t really my idea of living.

The changes I started to make showed me that I could make different choices and achieve a different outcome. I am no longer set on the idea that I only have four years left on this earth. I realize the choices I make have more of an impact than that, and especially regarding my quality of life.

I enjoy being active. I am an adrenaline junkie. I want to go cliff diving and bungee jumping. I want to go hiking, and maybe do some rock climbing. I want to go white river rafting. Those are not easy things to do when your health isn’t optimal. If my children make me a grandmother, I want to be able to play with the babies.

Over the past year and a half, I started to slip back into some of my old habits. As I started socializing again, I began eating the things that my body doesn’t want. I’m realizing that it’s the processed breads and pastas that are the hardest for me and seem to impact me the most. In eating those things, I have also gotten away from eating the fresh fruits and veggies that used to make up 90% of my daily diet.

I’m openly sharing all of this because I have allowed my health to rapidly decline again. After the car accident, the pandemic, some personal changes with people and routines in my life, and building a social life again I have slipped back into some of my old eating habits, neglecting my health. I feel like I’m right back where I started, only it’s worse because I know I did this to myself. I allowed outside circumstances to alter my course of action. My motivation and self-discipline disappeared. And I am paying for it, dearly.

I haven’t fully formulated a plan I think I can stick to. I’m at a point of having to make a choice though. How do I want to live? What am I willing to commit to and stick to so that I live the way I want to? How important is my health to me? I don’t mean the easy answers that I want to say. I mean deep down, what am I willing to actually do? Of course I want to say that my health is a priority, but my actions are showing something entirely different.

As of right now, I do know that I want to incorporate vegetables and fruits back into my daily diet, especially when I have the luxury of eating at home. I plan on getting a bicycle to ride with my son and some friends.

I honestly fear that if I don’t make major changes, and soon, that I will condemn myself to the burden of poor health that will force me to give up the things I love most about life. I’m not ready to give up on myself, but I’m also not completely sure how committed I am. I realize that sounds absurd, but this is my current internal battle. I know I’m not alone. I just wanted someone to realize they aren’t alone, either.

Please don’t get me wrong. This is not as simple as weight and size. I feel the difference in my body and how it functions. The pain. The stress I am putting on my organs, joints, and muscles due to inside health, then exasperated by the additional weight and pressure. I believe I am a beautiful woman, no matter my size. I am not body shaming myself. But I realize my health is not optimal right now, and that is only because of my dietary choices.

Feel free to message me if you need an accountability buddy or someone to talk to and encourage you through this journey. I have an amazing support network that I can openly discuss this with, and it’s still hard.