Mommy Insecurities

As a parent, I think most of us experience a variety of insecurities throughout raising our children. As a mom, I’ve had several.

The first set of insecurities started because I did not have my children the “normal” way. They were almost 3 and 16 months old when I got them. I was 18 and thought I knew everything, so I definitely couldn’t share these new insecurities with anyone.

I had judgy eyes watching my every move, from their father (my partner at the time), their biological mother (who was in and out), his family, her family, and society as a whole. I was a young mother who appeared to have two children before the age of 18. (Those judgy eyes were even more intense when I had my partner’s two older children as well.)

My ex and I owned and operated a small trucking company, so it was usually just me and the kids. I was new to adulting and suddenly had two toddlers I was responsible for. While I fell in love with my children immediately, even before realizing they were indeed my children, I still had so much to learn.

As small humans, I could manage to feed them, change them, play with them, and teach them easily enough. As they grew up, however, things became more challenging, even though they were much more self-sufficient.

With the mommy insecurities that I had, I thought I was alone. I was told different struggles were because they weren’t my natural children, therefore I must not have a mother’s intuition. I was told it was my fault when my six year old son nearly died because his appendix had burst (and the surgeon nicked his intestines, but that’s a whole different story). 

Any bump, bruise, injury, or mishap was my fault. I was getting that from all angles. And I believed it at first, because I didn’t know any better. I thought I was alone in these struggles. I couldn’t watch them 24/7 because I actually had to work, eat, sleep, and sometimes pee, too! But everyone else would ask me how I could let things happen, like the time my five year old pushed my three year old into the counter and his front tooth went up, inside of his gums. 

By the way, that story was kind of funny (looking back, but not at the time). I thought he knocked his tooth OUT of his mouth. I was searching everywhere, under the couches, under the refrigerator, inside of the garbage disposal, etc. I was frantic. All I did was leave the room for two minutes to relieve my bladder and came out to a screaming child missing a tooth and a terrified child with a guilty look on his face.

As I’ve grown and learned to openly share some of these insecurities with other parents, I realize that we all have parenting insecurities. We all mess up. We all make mistakes. We are typically trying to recover from our own childhood traumas while figuring out how to raise another human.

I’ve forgiven myself for most of my parenting mistakes, and eased a lot of my mommy insecurities, while I’ve struggled with others.

I recently came across the listing of a home for sale. A house we had lived in for a few months. That was one of the roughest times of my life, and I’m sure of my children’s as well. My ex and I were at an extremely toxic point in our relationship. Seeing pictures of that house brought back some incredibly uncomfortable memories.

I realized one of the things I have not yet forgiven myself for was letting my children see me in that state. I was deeply depressed and thought I had nothing to live for when their father said he was kicking me out and I’d never see them again.

I gathered all of the pills I could find, along with a few other small items, and left the house in the middle of the night in thirty-degree weather. The boys were still awake. They heard all of the arguing.

They found me and brought me home. I pulled myself together after that night, but they remember it like it was yesterday, though it was more than ten years ago. I’m ashamed that I allowed myself to sink so far, even though I know that everything going on at that time was too much for anyone to deal with alone. I honestly didn’t see any other options and thought I had nothing to live for without my boys.

That discovery has led me to think about how I would advise a friend who shared that with me. I would meet that friend with compassion and forgiveness, and recommend that they do the same.

Looking back, no one else knew what was brewing in our household. I showed up to my kids’ wrestling meets and school functions and acted like nothing was wrong. My boys knew, though. They actually saw far more than I wish they did.

There was a point during that period that I hadn’t been able to eat or do much of anything, other than get them to their school functions. My son asked me for a few dollars to get a breakfast burrito at a wrestling tournament one Saturday morning. He came back with two and handed me one. He sat in front of me, looked me dead in my eyes and said, “Okay, I’ll eat when you do.”

I ate with him. And vowed to pull myself together because they deserved more. I couldn’t even see at that time that I deserved better as well. And if I truly started caring for myself, I’d be even better for them.

When I started writing this piece, I had no plans to share all of that. Hopefully someone who reads it will realize that they aren’t alone. We all mess up. We all feel like our kids would be better without us at some point. We all have insecurities. Please meet yourself with the same compassion, forgiveness, and love that you would meet a friend going through whatever you are going through. I will work to do the same.